Meet the defenders of the plot
Bertie Bulb – The Plot Keeper
Bertie started with one tomato plant in a single pot. It wasn’t perfect — but it grew.
The next year brought frost, slugs, and blight. Most would’ve quit. Bertie planted more.
Backups. Extras. “Just in case.” When an overgrown allotment plot became available, Bertie took it on. Where others saw weeds, Bertie saw potential. Over seasons, the soil improved, the beds straightened, and the planning intensified.
That’s when the name stuck.
The Plot Keeper.
Not because Bertie owns the land —
but because Bertie protects it.
He is........
Organised… in theory
Irritated… frequently
Devoted… absolutely
He love straight rows, healthy roots and a fair season.
Favourite Phrase: “Plan. Plant. Panic. Pot On.”
Baron von Blightbane –Protector of the patch
No one knows exactly when the Baron first appeared.Some say he rose from a particularly powerful compost heap during a blight-ridden summer. Others claim he was once an ordinary celery plant who simply saw too much mildew.
What is known is this: Whenever blight spreads…Whenever mildew creeps in…
Whenever a gardener whispers, “Why are the leaves doing that?”
He arrives. Lantern glowing. Beak mask gleaming. Ready to diagnose.
The Baron is the Dramatic, Overqualified Protector of the Patch.
The Baron...
Is dramatic beyond reason
Treats minor leaf spots like a medieval plague
Speaks in ominous tones
Secretly soft about seedlings
Absolutely ruthless toward fungal spores
Favourite phrase: “It spreads…"
Russ "Bunker" Fingerling Threat Escalation & Underground Intelligence
Russ wasn’t grown. He was conditioned.
While other potatoes fantasised about roast dinners and glory, Russ monitored moisture levels. He charted fungal behaviour. He held long, silent briefings with earthworms. And somewhere between a late frost and a suspicious patch of mildew, he reached a conclusion:
The slugs are coordinated.
Russ operates from a reinforced shed bunker under the official title of Threat Escalation & Underground Intelligence.
Status: Stockpiled. Alert. Listening to the soil.
He whispers reports. He contingency-plans. He has mapped evacuation routes for raised beds and maintains backup compost “just in case.” Mild winters do not reassure him.
They concern him.
Favourite phrase:
“It’s already begun.”